AVOIDING DIVORCE: ITS CAUSES & EFFECTS

Reconcile. That’s God’s will. This testimony should give hope to those who are waiting for a wayward spouse to return and a warning to those who might be entertaining the wrongful path of divorce. It chronicles the sad reality of the price a family pays when a husband and wife walk away from the LORD instead of choosing to forgive; instead of choosing to reconcile differences.

“We are so wrong when we say that children are better off in broken homes where there is no love. Some parents feel they must be happy at any cost. I do have enough wisdom to know, however, that there may be exceptions such as severe abuse within a family. I would never advocate such a lifestyle. However, more often than not, this is not the case – the real issue is usually selfishness. Take it from one who knows, your children will be hurt for life even in the best of situations.”

“I am thankful that our grandchildren have only known their grandparents as a family. We have three beautiful grandchildren, and they are an intricate part of our lives. They are blessings from heaven and so precious. I think sometimes that my husband and I try to make up for the loss of time we missed as a family with our own children by spending more time with our grandchildren. However, the pain we share is knowing that we can never go back. We can never give to our children what we now have an opportunity to give to our grandchildren. In reality, we must admit that we can never regain that past which is forever lost in time.”

God’s mercy and love is that He took care of Fay and Jimmy when they didn’t know He was around. He had a plan for the Bouknights, but as with all of us as with them, we must choose to accept His plan by living within His “borders.” We, however, are not puppets on a string. As with Adam and Eve, God gives each of us the freedom to choose – good and evil.

The pain and suffering children have to endure for the sake of selfish parents is such a tragedy.  Some Parents feel they must be happy at any cost.

Your children will be hurt for life, even in the best of situations.

“If anyone would have told me that my marriage would have ended in divorce, I would have told them, ‘no way,'” testifies Fay Bouknight. “I was raised to believe in one husband for life.” “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth …” (I Corinthians 7:39) “This is what was instilled in me from a small child. Under no circumstances would I ever allow this [divorce] to happen.”

Tragedy first struck through a car accident

Fay and Jimmy were married within eight months after meeting one another. God blessed them with three children: two girls and one boy. They were that perfect little family who seemingly had everything going for them, but tragedy struck starting when Jimmy and their three and one-half year-old daughter were in an automobile accident in which Tracy was almost scalped. Eighty stitches were required in her head. Her skull was lying on her brain for over a week before the doctors could elevate it due to so much swelling.

The doctors warned them of the potential brain damage lying ahead for their priceless child and many other complications; but, that didn’t happen. God totally healed this precious daughter; and today, you cannot tell that Tracy ever went through anything like that, mentally or physically.

HOW MARRIAGES BEGIN TO DISINTEGRATE

God healed the physical part of this tragedy; however, more difficult was the emotional healing needed within Fay. She had asked her husband not to drive the car the Sunday morning of the accident because she felt there was something wrong with the brakes. He didn’t listen to her (which she felt was a common pattern of her husband), and the accident happened. Feelings of animosity built up in Fay against her husband over this incident, even though God had miraculously healed their daughter. She let unforgiveness get a foothold; and, as the years passed, she grew more and more unhappy with her husband. “Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord … lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.” (Hebrews 12:14,15)

Many couples fail to learn the principles of leaving and cleaving

Other areas which were working to destroy the relationship between these two who had been so deeply in love were Jimmy’s actions and nonresponsiveness to her desires. Fay felt that his birth family was more important to him than she was and that they intruded into family decisions. These cancers (roots of bitterness/unforgiveness) overtook everything she had been taught as a child about the permanence of marriage as she harbored the sins of bitterness and unforgiveness and gave them soil to take root and grow within her heart.

Thus when their children were 17, 14 and 12, Jimmy and Fay separated and obtained a civil divorce decree. Fay had bought Satan’s lie that everyone would be better off if they were not together any longer. “I was unhappy and felt that I could go on no longer in my marriage. I felt the love for my husband had been chipped away through the years”; and thus Fay took the unbiblical route millions of other unhappy, unequipped spouses take as their answer to deal with unresolved conflict. They divorce.

EFFECTS OF BEING CAUGHT
IN A WEB OF DECEPTION

“Our children did not seem to be too devastated at the time of the separation; but, as the months and years passed by, the disintegration of our family did take its toll on them. We had joint custody.” All during this time, Fay tried to make their children as happy as she possibly could under the circumstances. “They would be with me for a week and him for a week. Believe me, I could write a book on this subject. This is no situation for any child to be in, being pulled from here to there, between two households, with the additional confusion of two differing sets of parental authorities.”

Even though Fay had been raised in a strong Biblically based church, as time went on, she turned her back on the Lord. “I was now living a life that I had been taught was wrong. Satan truly did his work on me, making me feel like this was the right thing to do under the circumstances.  I did not love my husband any longer and this seemed right [to divorce]. I wasn’t thinking about the children and their happiness any longer. It was my happiness that counted, and I felt that would make them happy. What a deception of Satan!”

He thought it was a “re-marriage,” but it was adultery!

HOW TO TURN FROM SIN

Several years later, Fay became very unhappy and realized that she wanted the Lord back in her life. “I remember going to my knees in my bedroom and asking God to take my life and use it for His glory. Anywhere He wanted me to go, anything He wanted me to do, I was willing. From that day forward, I began to grow in the Lord.” Fay started a music ministry in her church and began to devote herself to the LORD. In this, she found peace and contentment because she was now seeking it in the right place – a relationship with Jesus Christ.

“As some time went by, I began to have dreams about my husband. I questioned the Lord. I said, ‘Lord, what are you trying to tell me? What is going on? I should not be dreaming about my husband. He is married to someone else. He is happy and I am happy.'” The dreams, however, became stronger and more real. “At this point, even though I was a Christian, I did not have any romantic feelings for my husband; however, the Lord was working on me to change my heart towards Jimmy. God knew something I did not.

“After a while, it hit me like a ton of bricks. God was preparing me for a future event that would take place. He gradually revealed this through a change in my heart regarding my husband. Instilled within me was a desire to have my marriage and family reunited. I actually began to pray for it! The Lord knows the very desires of our hearts. He even knows what we need before we ask Him.

“After I was totally convinced and accepted what God would have for me, I called Tracy, our older daughter, and let her know there was something we needed to discuss. I shared with her what the Lord was working in me. I simply told her that her dad and I would be back together soon. She was married by this time and lived near my home. At this time, her dad was still ‘married,’ to another individual, according to the laws of this land. Under these circumstances my daughter replied, ‘Mom, no way.’

“Later, I found out that this was an unspoken prayer request that she had for a very long time. Tracy had been lifting her hand in church for this miracle to take place. The Father [in Heaven] had heard her petition from the very beginning. However, when she heard that it would actually happen, she lost the faith. I explained to her that I did not know how it would happen, but this was God’s plan. My husband and I had already been apart for approximately 12 years at this time. A miracle was truly in the making.

RECONCILIATION: OUR FIRST DINNER

“The Lord was also working on preparing my husband for the occasion. Approximately six months after I told this to our daughter, my husband separated from the lady to whom he was “married” [under civil law]. The Lord had begun what He was going to accomplish (the miracle). When I say miracle, it truly was. There were a lot of bad feelings on both sides after our marriage ended in divorce. However, we opened the door for God to put forgiveness into both of our hearts. Only through God can something like that be put back together.

“After my husband separated from this lady, and some time went by, he and I began to speak to each other again. I remember the first time we had dinner at my house – all three children were present. We were sitting outside when I noticed our younger daughter, Ashley, hanging out the window taking pictures of us. Can you imagine the happiness they were experiencing? This is an occasion I will never forget – the joy and unbelief in their precious hearts and minds. I truly could write a book on the negatives that divorce causes in children’s lives.

“My husband and I have been remarried almost seventeen years. [This is the correct usage of the term remarriage; i.e., when you remarry the same one-flesh mate.] We are happier than we have ever been in our lives. Our children are beginning to heal.

Please know that just because parents get back together does not mend the scars from those little broken hearts. A family reunited can never undo the hurt and pain that they have experienced from a broken home.

“It is impossible to go from dysfunctional to functional over night. It takes a lot of time and a lot of healing for the entire family. However, to have that family unit reunited brings a new happiness and peace within each heart. The pain and suffering that children have to endure for the sake of selfish parents is such a tragedy.

PRESCRIPTION
FOR NO DIVORCE

We must not let Satan get a foothold with those little foxes that nibble away at our love for one another. If someone at work begins to look more attractive than your spouse or “seems” to understand your problems better than s/he, BEWARE.

Run quickly to God, prayer and fasting, and find another job! Discussing spousal problems with others is a red flag of lack of communication BETWEEN husband and wife and a root that can easily turn into bitterness as the years pass by.

Outside counsel, however, may help if, and only, if, another person is qualified to give Scriptural guidance. (They give counsel by helping you to study Scriptures.)  Don’t be too prideful to seek help. Why wait until there is a crises and pay a counselor $100+ an hour or pass a goodly share (untold THOUSANDS!) of your hard-earned assets to lawyers through civil proceedings? Follow God’s simple advice for a zero divorce rate by carefully studying, memorizing, AND applying the four Scripture passages in the box with the blue background.

We are grateful to the Bouknights for sharing such a painful part of their life; but their desire is to help others to avoid the tragedy of divorce brought into their family by their refusal, for a time, to follow God’s pattern for marriage.